Beyond Chronic Chaos

a new season of life climbing stairs

A New Season

Here I am sitting working, while lounged out on my couch!  Yes, it is true, this is the best part of working from home.  The worst part is today I had planned to head to my local library and rent one of the study room spaces they have to work from and I don’t get to go.  Kenzee is home from school today with a Gastroparesis flare.  So right away all my plans had to change!

Normally, I would have sat here and watched TV or played on my phone all day.  Not anymore.  It’s a new season.  It’s a new me.  I am making big changes in who I want to be.

Mel Robbins says, “The price of your new life is your old one!”  I am giving up my old life, my old ways and my old thinking and going all in on my new life.  I have direction.  I have confidence (most days).  And I have dreams!

I have habits to break.  I have thought patterns to stop.  If I don’t change something, I will still be in this same spot next year.  God knows I don’t want to!  I need something more.

Before I would let chronic pain keep me from doing what was the best.  Now I work every day  on how to work around it and with it.  Yes, some days I curl up under my blankets with a heating pad and ignore the world.  But I am trying my damndest not to allow that to happen too often.

Now as I am sitting here writing this I got the text no mom wants to see.  “Mom, we are on lockdown!”  Everything is totally fine and all over at this point.  Even this 20 minute episode, I would have let it derail my whole day and not have come back to writing, working or focusing.  

The anxiety that I experience overcomes me in unknown situations is crippling.  Yes I am sure most parents would feel that but when your baseline of anxiety is already someone else’s moderately high anxiety only a little situation causes it to fly through the roof!!!  But here I am back at it!  It’s a new season!!!

There comes a time when you can’t let pain, anxiety, depression rule over your life.  Yes, I know it takes up a ton of energy.  But you need to figure out the little ways to push yourself through at times.

I have recently adopted an idea that if I need to feel depressed, upset or grieve over my health, I will set a time for it.  I will let myself feel that way for that hour, that afternoon or that day.  And soon as that time is over, it is time to put on my big girl panties and keep moving forward.  

If I continue to get down about something I can’t change, I am letting something else rule it.  How is that any way to live?  

Someone recently said that if you aren’t living, you are dying.  I am not ready or even willing to die at this point so why should I live as if I am. 

Sure I can’t always make it to every school event or work a full time job so we can go on an amazing vacation but I can make the best out of every minute I do have.  

Yes, I am sure I will mess up and fail at this along the way.  I am sure I will have another surgery and be down for weeks.  But in the end if I get up and stand back up after being knocked down then I am doing better!!!

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