Beyond Chronic Chaos

a pair of pink boxing gloves laying on cement representing a big fight

My Biggest Fight

For as long as I can remember I did what was asked of me instead of what spoke to me, but one day, and that lion was out of the cage.  ~ JmStorm

I don’t know about you but I grew up in a pretty strict household!  My parents expected us to behave at all times.  Strict bedtimes.  Strict amounts of food and sweets. I was only allowed a half of a sandwich for a long time!!  Yes, that strict! 

My mother and I butted heads more than anyone else I knew. According to my mom I didn’t stand up straight (I have a big butt so it sticks out LOL) so she would stick a yardstick down my shirt to “help” me stand straighter. Don’t even think of back talking when she had something in her hand cause that is what your butt was getting smacked with! 

I did mostly what I should have, maybe in my own way and with some sarcasm, but in the end, I still did it.  

When I was 19, I was dating the man that I ended up marrying.  I didn’t unload the dishwasher one day and my mom decided to ground me from seeing him.  That was the first time that the lion came out of the cage in a big way!  And it hasn’t been cooped back up since!!!  I moved out of my parents house in less than 24 hours!  I packed up all I could fit in a pick up truck and left, never turning back.  

I swear some days that that was such a huge turning point in my life.  I learned to stand on my own two feet!  I learned that if you pay for gas in cash all you have to do is go to the attendant to get your change (yes I left some change at an Arco cause I had no clue what to do, cue angry boyfriend lol).  The lioness was out and she wasn’t going to be caged up again.

I have fought my way through so many things!!!  I have fought my way through depression and anxiety for most of my life.  I have fought to save my own life when suicide was all that I could think about, multiple times.  Endometriosis has plagued my entire life and I have fought every doctor that I have seen for 20 plus years to believe me.  I have fought the medical world for my kiddos when they needed me to.  I have learned to fight and not back down!  

One time when our youngest was hospitalized, the doctor came in and told us that one of the scans showed a possibility of Craniosynostosis.  He told us he would discharge us and have us schedule (outpatient) a scan we needed to confirm this diagnosis. 

Do you know how long it can take to schedule an outpatient scan? 

So the doctor left the room.  My husband looked at me and knew I was going to lose it on someone!  That was not going to work in this mama lion’s book.  He very calmly walked out to the nurses station and strongly suggested they  do the scan before we go home and that they could do this by talking to him or he would be sending out mama lion!  Needless to say we stayed one more night and the scan was done!  The nurses knew me a little too well!!!

In life, you will come across things you have to find the fight inside of yourself to keep on fighting.  You can’t always do things because of external motivation. You have to sometimes fight every day just to make it through a day!  It’s how life is.  If it was easy we would already be in heaven!  But we aren’t, so we have to continue to fight on.  We have to continue to put out best foot forward and keep going!  

What is your biggest fight?  What is the biggest weight on your shoulders that you need to release? 

We have to go through life fighting.  It can be so exhausting but in the end, I believe, there has to be a reason!  I completely believe that I have been through the hell that has been my life so I could be here today encouraging others and helping others find their way through some dark times!  

If I didn’t believe things happen for a reason then I would have crumbled years ago!  No one should have to be told their child may not survive birth.  No one should ever have to plan their child’s funeral in their head.  The list goes on of the hells I have endured.  But here I am standing, stronger than ever.  Every day is a different fight but I am mama lion and I am ready for it!

Sure some days I just can’t take it anymore.  Some days I have yelled at God. Some days I  screamed at Him.  It is ok to lose your mind.  It is ok not to fight every day.  It is alright to some days just hide in your tent made with sheets and chairs and to be coloring all day.  I have just crumbled into a pile of tears. Self care is important. I like to just hide in my bedroom in the dark and quiet!  However you cope, do it!

The key is not to let yourself stay there for a long time.  Most of the time when this happens to me, I allow myself to hide for one day, that’s all, no more.  Then tomorrow I have to get back up and fight again! 

If I stay down for too long and let it linger in my body and mind longer, I will spiral downwards out of control.  That is when it is time to stand back up. Start fighting again.  Don’t stay crumbled.  You are bigger and better than that.  Do whatever it takes to make yourself DO!  I have to get up, take a shower, get dressed, hair done (even just a ponytail), and even put on makeup!  It seems superficial but if I tend to feel better if I put myself together.

How do you keep fighting?  What does it look like when you give up but then have to get back up?  You can do this!  I know you can!!! 

I am thankful for my struggle (on this side of it, not in the moment) because from it I have found strength and hopefully someone else can realize they can fight it too!

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